Starting something new.
A business, a relationship, an adventure, a creation.
Hell, it doesn’t even have to be new.
Or even the start.
Still, the feelings creep in.
Am I going to make it?
Does she like me?
What does he think?
Goodness what if I go broke?
Valid feelings. Familiar feelings.
Natural in the face of change.
When I got fired from the sandwich place.
When I skipped class to sit on the grass with a girl.
When I left my good job to learn something new.
When I left my other job to start my own.
When I walked up to the girl sitting in the park.
The same feeling each time.
A gut feeling.
A lifetime of experience and knowledge and decision making compressed into a single yearning, as close to instinct as you can get.
Trying something new.
Juggling three, four, five too many things at once.
Writing this down makes me smile.
I laugh inside.
Talking to my friend Dave and he’s feeling the same thing.
Starting something new.
Talking to Josh the builder at the cafe and he’s felt it.
My card declined.
I walked off and came back later.
He paid for me.
Someone must be watching out for me.
They always are.
I watch out for me.
And it all works out.
Talking to anyone and they’ve felt it.
Surely I’ve learned by now…
How many times have I thought I wouldn’t make it?
And then I did.
But what is making it after all?
Success is simple.
Do the thing you said you were going to do.
However big, however small.
What’s success other than forgetting about success?
Scared, excited, motivated, happy, sad, unmotivated.
Feelings change like the seasons.
How its always been.
How it always will be.
How it needs to be.
Because if you knew the outcomes ahead of time, you’d be bored.
Right as you begin to tire of it being hot, the cool winds of Winter roll in.
And you don’t worry about the seasons changing, so why so of feelings?
There are things I’ve spent more time worrying about than actually doing.
The tension of the tight rope comes from thinking things should feel different.
I think it. I feel it.
My brain says feel this my emotions say another.
Which to trust?
What a skill to line them up.
And if you can’t, at least be aware of it.
However much you know the names of the seasons, it doesn’t help you change them.
The same goes for feelings.
Anxiety, depression, anger, worry, fear, happiness, joy, excitement, elation.
How much does knowing the name of them help you experience them?
Imagine sitting at a party saying I must be happy, I must be excited!
I’ve met people like this.
I’ve been that person.
No thank you.
Ride the wave.
The flowers don’t know where they come from or where they’re going.
And neither does the God of Spring.
They just turn and face the sun.
Follow the sun.
If something interests you, go do it.
Do it all the way.
Know the same feelings you’ve always felt will be there.
Make friends with them.
Say hello, welcome back.
Don’t try to change them.
Sit back and let the battle between thoughts and emotion wage on.
The fight is where the fun is.
It’ll drive you to madness.
Yet another season...
It’s better to go mad giving your all.
Than having never tried at all.
You’ll know when you’ve given it all.
Just like you know when you haven’t.
Even in defeat the energy will be bubbling inside you.
It’ll ooze out of you on the street.
The sweetest victory there is.
Remind yourself when the feelings come back.
I can do it.
I’ve done it all before.